im pathetic. lost and self pitying.
i have nothing to talk about. becuase i am nothing. so i lie. becuase...its what ive always done even since i was little. if i ever grew up at all.
my sister went threw horrors and became a strong bright star. she is so beautiful. and independent. self reliant. its so lovely. im crying. for jealously. for pity. for 'im sorries'.
i want to have her light, her so bright light. i think. if i come out like she did, put me threw these horrors. i don't know if she come to terms with her self abuse. but she is so...bright.
i want to be a light. i bright burning light that is strong and visible. to make a pure innocent smile happen. to be relentlessly. undeniably. BRIGHT.
i have and am. going threw life like motions. i have lost myself a long time ago. i loose reality. what is really important and what is not. i loose my instinct. oh god. its all i have. i want to say. please. but to who??? this is by myself. i have a wall. its building itself up again. i can only cry for so long. not long enough.
selfish. all of it. disgustingly.
.....
so today. i look like shit but i want to...go out and be the light.
its cliche. and its stupid. but fighting a cliche can make me unhappy.